I don't know what I'm going to do. I miss her already.

Burnt Out

I really feel like giving up right now. Tired of trying to get where I need to go without it working. What's wrong with me?

...

Mind Switching

I have so much going through my mind right now that all I want to do is go back to sleep. I feel so on edge and stressed. The majority of it concerns money (of course!) and what I'm going to do in the upcoming weeks to get by. I'm only a little relieved that I have a job now. I mean, I'm thankful and happy but I'm frustrated at the same time. I miss working at the pub and being comfortable with everything. I miss working with my friends. Don't get me wrong, I really like my new job, it's just disappointing that the circumstances led to this. I'm completely irate with my ex "boss" and I have no respect for him whatsoever. I hope I never have to cross paths with him again for as long as I live (dramatic huh?).

I just hope I can make some good money at this new job and it will help smooth things over financially...and quick. I was doing so well and everything was working out for a while...now I'm contemplating on if I should skip a meal just to save the ramen noodles I have in the cupboard for when I'm really hungry. I'm growing  tired of this college ruled life. I need some stability because this is getting very old.

I could go on and on about the things that are bothering me and stressing me out right now but I think I should try the positive approach. Right now I'm going to keep my chin up and do my best. I'm going to try to stop thinking about everything in a negative light and start problem solving because I need to believe that I can do anything. I have homework I need to get done and it's definitely calling my name.

How's that go again? If you believe it, you can achieve it. Yeah, I think that's right.

Battery Charger > Friends

I've always had a secured love for the city of Minneapolis. It has been a dear place in my heart since I was a kid, a shining star of sorts. I could go on and on about how lovely that city is and how much I enjoy being able to call it home (in a general sense), but I also have a concerned respect for it. 

It's a great city to explore during the day and a bewildering environment to be at night. There's Uptown, in all it's glory, with the rooftop dining and the lakeside walkways and there's Downtown with the Theater District and ambitious Nicolette Mall...just to scratch the surface. There's also a plethora of bums and erratics. People you wouldn't want to find yourself meeting in a dark alley...shady characters, if you will. I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly that Minneapolis has to offer. It's not a place you want to be when you're feeling alone and vulnerable. Not at 11pm anyway. 

Yet, there I was...alone and vulnerable at 11pm on a Thursday night. I'd been downtown attending class since 9am and upon finally departing from my last class at 10:30ish pm I found my car refusing to start. 

I'll have you know that I'm a pretty independent girl. I get what I need and I usually do so to the best of my abilities before I'll ask for anyones help. This was a different story...how was I going to get home at 11pm on a Thursday night without my car? I took an inventory of my options...

The bus? No, that doesn't run to my house after 8pm.

A cab? Well money is an issue there...wouldn't be able to afford it.

Asking a stranger for a jump? Alright.

I asked probably around twenty or so people if they could help me. Security guards, classmates, teachers, pedestrians...funny nobody seemed to have jumper cables. (Are we not all Minnesotans?? I need to put those on my Christmas list) I managed to get the number of a towing company from the parking ramp and called to inquire about rates for getting a jump. Definitely out of my price range. AAA? Also out of my price range. 

It quickly became apparent that my only option was to find someone to come and get me. Yet another inventory....

My parents were hours away. My aunt and uncle whom I live with weren't answering my calls. My cousin I have always counted on was out of town. My list was dwindling. Looking through my contacts on my phone I tried to find the friends I felt I should be able to rely on. Most didn't answer my texts explaining my situation while the few who did had excuses as to why they "couldn't" help me. 

"I have to be up really early, otherwise I would come and get you"

"My son is asleep and I don't want to drive to Minneapolis right now"

.....

How lovely. The people I was counting on didn't find it convenient to help me out. I sat there in a very dark and very empty parking ramp wondering what I was going to do. The only thing I could think of was sleeping in my car. The security guard found me and advised me not to spend any more time than I had to in the ramp...especially alone. He informed me that plenty of scary people use the ramp to sleep in. He told me a few stories explaining the lovely incidents he's had to deal with concerning these people. It was then that I found myself crying. I thought to myself how alone I felt and how angry I was at the people in my life who found it easy to avoid helping me....to even make me feel guilty for asking for help. These people, my friends, the same friends I would get out of bed in the dead of night in the middle of January to go pick up if they called saying they needed me. 

Why did it seem like a total no-brainer for me and yet so difficult for them? Why was it okay to them that I was alone and helpless? 

Lucky for me one my friends (key word: ONE) was leaving class as well and answered my texts. She drove a ways and we tried jumping my car...to no avail. She then drove me to my house and then herself all the way home at 4am. I owe her big. BIG. Especially since she had no excuses. She was tired, I was tired...but she still helped me. And she didn't make me feel guilty about it at all.

She's an example of the kind of friends I need to start spending more time with. I'm SO grateful to be able to call her my friend. The sad thing is she made it look easy...and nobody else made an effort.

It may seem dramatic to be upset about this...but I guess it all boils down to who really cares about you. If you were in a dire situation and felt afraid and alone...helpless...who do you KNOW you could count on? Who would be there for you? I think the majority of people have a handful of relations they could count on to answer their call for help at 11pm on a Thursday night. I just learned the hard way that I don't.

I'm saving up for a battery charger...apparently they're more reliable than friends in certain situations.